Hello and don't forget your pants.

Hello, whoever you may be. Because audience is everything, I write this to you. I am not sure how to size you up or figure out how to approach you. You are a complete mystery and not a little bit confounding. Besides not knowing who you are, I have no idea whether you are bored, dazed, confused, angry, hungry, crying or drop dead drunk. This calls into question my first lesson in English 1C this semester, which was to explain the purpose of argument and immediately throw in audience as a pickle the writer must never forget. I don't think I'll forget you, even if I don't know who you are, but I will worry about how best to approach you. It's very much a blind date, but less awkward, because neither of us will order tacos or spaghetti or wish we'd gotten a haircut while we try to get acquainted. But I won't be able to look you in the eye, which is a problem. I can't tell if you're fidgeting in boredom, rolling your eyes, paying more attention to your phone, or if you're even sitting up. My goodness--it occurs to me that you may be naked. That is sort of creeping me out. So I beg you right now, if you are naked, just throw a towel around your private parts. Put on some pants! I can't possibly focus on what I'm trying to do here if you're undressed.